


D.A.R.E Commercial

by fragilecapricornpanic



Series: Even Numbers [22]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves Friendship, Canon Compliant, Dead Ben Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves is Bad at Feelings, Feels, Fluff, Gen, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Klaus Hargreeves Needs Help, Mentioned Allison Hargreeves, No Incest, No Slash, One Shot, One Shot Collection, POV Alternating, Pre-Canon, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Stuttering Diego Hargreeves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:27:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27638198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilecapricornpanic/pseuds/fragilecapricornpanic
Summary: “You look like a D.A.R.E commercial.” Diego muttered with a grimace, which was such a kind brotherly greeting.“Thanks, you look like a gay dominatrix.” Why did his girlfriend allow him to wear all of that leather? It was like he was wearing an entire cow. Sometimes Klaus wondered if Diego was legitimately a gay dominatrix, but Ben frequently assured him that wasn’t the case... what wouldBenknow about either of those subjects? Klaus wasn’t buying it.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: Even Numbers [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1944895
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	D.A.R.E Commercial

“You look like a D.A.R.E commercial.” Ben muttered with a grimace, wondering why Klaus bothered to wear eyeliner when his eyes were that dark anyway.

That was such an original comment from Ben, Klaus was so proud of his creative ingenuity. “We _were_ a D.A.R.E commercial.” Klaus had hilariously been high whilst they’d filmed those PSAs, which had almost caused World War III between the Hargreeves children. That had been unimaginably entertaining for Klaus. Even Allison and Luther had had a spot of bickering because of it, which wasn’t a common occurrence. They’d all had to do extra training for a month as a punishment for that mayhem, even Number One.

“Not that kind of D.A.R.E commercial.” Ben contemptuously remarked, almost having flashbacks at the mention of those goddamn PSAs. They’d collectively had to almost waterboard Klaus into waking up. As well as that, Allison kept rumoring them into reshooting until she felt she’d been perfectly charming. Did she still do that now she was in Hollywood? Ben hoped she didn’t, that wouldn’t be healthy. It would still be healthier than Klaus though. “I’m dead and I look more alive than you.” It was ironic that Klaus was somehow miraculously able to make Ben appear living, yet couldn’t make the same effort for himself. 

How else did Ben expect Klaus to cope with his unrelenting snide comments if not for substances? Repeatedly counting to ten in his head, Klaus hoped this would stop him metaphorically ripping Ben’s head off. He was so close to losing his cool. It was cruelly always Ben who he lashed out at when he was in withdrawal, since he was there every goddamn minute. Whining and whining. Shit, this train of thought wasn’t calming Klaus in the slightest. Neither was Ben’s continued roast session. “Remember that disgusting ghost that time that you were too much of a pussy to look at, the one that even I was grossed out by? You look worse than hi-“

“I get the goddamn picture Ben, I look like shit!” Jesus Christ, it would be justified to lose it at Ben this time. If Klaus didn’t have a surplus of vanity, Ben’s current stream of insults would be giving him a lifelong complex. “Can you check for me?” Klaus whispered, anxious to knock on Diego’s door incase ghosts had already started to appear. His dead brother sighed and nodded, phasing through the wall.

Seeing an empty apartment, apart from Diego, Ben went back out to Klaus. “It’s just me still, but I don’t think you have long... you look li-“ Ben closed his mouth when his brother angrily raised a hand to silence him, seeming on the verge of punching the wall. He’d interrupted a good jibe too, Ben was disappointed not to be able to use it.

Knocking on their brother’s door, Klaus looked forward to a distraction from Ben’s snarky nagging. This needed to be quick, stabbed ghosts were gross. “You look like a D.A.R.E commercial.” Diego muttered with a grimace, which was such a kind brotherly greeting. They hadn’t seen each other in months, couldn’t he have at least said hi? It always creeped Klaus out when Ben and Diego said the same thing. It was sad in a way, since it showed that they’d be great friends if those pesky tentacles hadn’t misbehaved. Diego would still be better friends with Klaus than Ben though, duh.

After a roll of his eyes, Klaus barged into the rather bleak apartment. Seeing Diego tended to make Klaus feel slightly better about the poor state of his life. Misery loves company, and everything. “Thanks, you look like a gay dominatrix.” Why did his girlfriend allow him to wear all of that leather? It was like he was wearing an entire cow. Sometimes Klaus wondered if Diego was legitimately a gay dominatrix, but Ben frequently assured him that that wasn’t the case... what would _Ben_ know about either of those subjects? Klaus wasn’t buying it. Did Diego really have to be wearing the holster inside? That made it much harder to steal those expensive knives. “Why’re you even wearing that thing?” he hoped that sounded subtle, but it likely didn’t. Subtlety wasn’t something that came naturally to Klaus.

Distrustingly narrowing his eyes, Diego slowly removed the holster. He knew his brother just wanted the goddamn knives. “I just got home, jackass.” he wasn’t going to comment on the gay dominatrix teasing, that conversation always strayed into colossal absurdity. Awkwardly holding the holster and knives in his arms like a newborn baby, Diego felt like he was in some kind of junkie hostage situation. “Do you need something, Klaus?” he passive-aggressively questioned, already knowing the answer. His brother shivering in May had given that away immediately. The state he was in was making Diego recall when little miss perfect made them do fifty retakes of those stupid PSAs. It was hard to decide what was worse about this visit... Klaus needing money, or having to think about _Allison._

“I need _you,_ because you’re my brother and I _love_ you!” Klaus dramatically declared, having a compulsive desire to piss Diego off. That wasn’t entirely smart, since he was currently wielding a bundle of knives. Although Diego would never stab Klaus, he’d developed the habit of vengefully slicing holes in Klaus’ cherished clothes. Diego knew that was a cardinal sin to Klaus, and that was why he did it. Seeing both of his brothers stood side by side, Klaus suddenly realised they would’ve bonded over their apparent love for leather.

The knives were practically screaming out at Diego to be thrown at Klaus’ weird-ass clothes, but that would also put him in possession of said knives. “Well thank you, brother.” Diego chose to play along, wanting this little show to be done and dusted. “You can leave now.” he gestured to the door his brother had rudely forced his way through. It would probably be a good idea to start setting up booby traps, just to mess with Klaus. Like on Home Alone. Knives were always a somewhat empty threat, since they both knew Diego would never properly use them. Booby traps though, they were another story entirely. All sorts of trivial pain could be created.

Despite Diego knowing that he was a drug addict, it was still something Klaus couldn’t bring himself to explicitly reference. If he lied to everyone else about it, then maybe his brain could be duped too. Why the hell did he never make up a lie in advance?! It would really make life a lot easier for Klaus. Did this whole performance have to take so long? The longer he and Diego messed with each other’s brains, the more Klaus needed a hit. Which also meant time was ticking away until the ghosts stopped being blocked. “I need money... for a GED program.” Klaus came out with the first story he could remember from NA. Those places had a tendency to be counterproductive, they were like goldmines for manipulation tactics.

That was one of the most piss poor lies Diego had ever been told by Klaus. Why the hell would he do a GED program? It was so ridiculous that laughter was rapidly creeping up on Diego, which he was working hard to bite back. Why was Klaus funny? It shouldn’t be allowed. “A GED program...” Diego slowly mused, knowing the more he dragged this out the more jittery Klaus would get. Taking several drawn out moments to brood in silence, Diego looked back up at Klaus. “What made you join a GED program?” he patronisingly asked, tauntingly polishing a nice pawnable knife. There were only so many times one person could go through this bullshit until they became scorned.

“For goddamn self-improvement, just give me the fucking cash!” his brother caved much sooner than Diego had anticipated, making him regret leaving the front door open. His neighbors complained about him anyway, cursing and shouting wouldn’t make much difference. Apparently they could hear when he threw knives at the walls and ceiling, and apparently that was _”frightening”_. Pussies. His brother was evidently extremely desperate to further his education, which was profoundly inspiring. “Sorry, I...” Klaus heavily exhaled, chewing his nails to stubs. “I just don’t feel good.” Wow, no shit. “Can I please have some money? For the GED program.” he was clearly dedicated to this story, which was kind of amusing. Why did he ever make the effort to lie? It was pointless.

Sympathy wasn’t something Diego could give to Klaus, since he put himself in these miserable circumstances... but it was still tough to see him like this. “You _know_ I’m poor as hell.” Diego exhaustedly groaned, tired of being the designated Klaus wrangler of the family. It was always goddamn him who had to deal with Klaus, even as kids. His brother instantly looked across to the knives, like a predator spotting their prey. That didn’t help matters for Diego’s finances, since he ended up having to pay to replace the knives.

“ _Please,_ I’ll never ask again, I swear.” that wasn’t going to be the case, Klaus knew that with certainty. He’d already said that dozens of times to Diego alone. Both of his brothers seemed just as despairing, which was once again quite unnerving. If only Diego knew. He would never believe it though, due to conversations just like this. Restlessly watching Diego take his merry time to deliberate, Klaus was a millisecond from yelling at him again. “Are you giving me shit or not?! I need...” Klaus winced, displeased with his stupid lie. “...the GED program.” It was laughable. He should’ve never stolen a lie from a meth head, they were a whole other breed.

Grouchily sliding some knives out of the holster, Diego put them in a sheath before handing them over. It always made him anxious when that clumsy idiot stole them without covering them. It wouldn’t surprise Diego if that’d be what eventually killed Klaus, since it would be absolutely ludicrous and would greatly inconvenience Diego. “Thanks, and... sorry.” his brother mumbled, shiftily looking anywhere but Diego’s eyes. How many times could one person apologise yet keep doing the same thing? The word sorry was rendered worthless. 

“What do you have to be sorry for? It’s just a GED program.” Diego’s sharp tone made his brother even less willing to look at him, instead bowing his head. Grabbing Klaus’ arm just before he rushed out, Diego grimaced at the sweat that came off on his hand. _Ew._ Today was going just swimmingly for him, it seemed. Now all he needed was to explosively break up with Eudora, get fired, and go hang out with Luther. “Please be careful.” Diego whispered, nervous about his stammer rearing its ugly head. He couldn’t lose another brother, he couldn’t handle that.

“I’m always careful, this is all just an act.” Klaus joked, reassuringly patting him on the arm. Nodding his head, Diego begrudgingly let him leave with those precious knives. As he shut the front door, Diego had already began to plot his booby traps. He’d have to watch Home Alone again to get some pointers from the kid. Suddenly having the urge to check his pockets weren’t lighter after being in such close contact, Diego unsurprisingly found his wallet was now missing. “Asshole!” He was going to watch _every_ Home Alone movie.


End file.
